Saturday, April 11, 2015

Post Partum Depression

It's about to get REAL. I've known this post has been coming for a long time now. I haven't written it, because I think I was searching still for guidance. I have known that God's been trying to teach me something, but I wasn't quite sure what. Well, here it is, as best as I can describe. 

Post Partum Depression. It's real. It's not something new moms like to admit or talk about. Once you have a baby, (especially one that you've longed for, prayed for, waited for) you're supposed to feel nothing but overwhelming love and butterflies. Gratefulness and adoration are the only emotions, it seems, that should be allowed once they place that beautiful crying squishy baby in your arms. The long nights will pass, and the sleep depravation is "so worth it." "You'll look back and miss this." 

Let me tell you. I had it figured out. I had had a "rough baby" before. I knew what to do this go round. Then Myles came along. He was going to test me, try me, worry me, make me crazy. He's still doing that 7 months later, but let me tell ya...those first 3-4 months were awful.

He would wake up in the middle of the night, only to scream. He wouldn't be calmed no matter what I did. He would only sleep on me. All night. I was exhausted... more exhausted than I had ever experienced in my life. I had Levi to take care of as well, and I think the combination of knowing my relationship with Levi HAD to change, and feeling like my baby didn't love me really just made me sad. My life changed. Levi and I couldn't just go to Barnes and Noble whenever he wanted to anymore. We couldn't head out to the Zoo on a nice day (or so I felt). I felt a little trapped. I had so much help at first (first from my parents, then from Curan's mom) and all of the help was SO appreciated, but I also knew that I had to do it on my own eventually. I really felt out of control, and for what felt like too long. People give new moms a small period of "grace" but then they're expected to bounce back. Get back to life as though nothing has changed. EVERYTHING had changed though. 

Fast forward two months: He wasn't gaining weight well...A little bit of a shocker to this mom who nursed her first baby for a little over a year with no formula supplementation. He'd been screaming because he was hungry, but didn't want to wait for the letdowns. He wanted food, but not the way I had been giving him food. I had to adjust my ideas of what was best for him, to what was actually best for him. I had to realize that his health was not based on him only having breastmilk, but having enough nutrition to grow and be happy. It has taken some time to get used to that idea, and he has been a much happier baby overall. I still get to nurse him, but we need a WHOLE lot of help through bottles. I am thankful for bottles. I'm also thankful for a sweet friend who wanted to help us out by donating to us some of her breastmilk. 

Even after our very rough start, once he was happier, I have still battled my sad feelings. I have felt like we haven't connected like Levi I had by this point. I google way too much. I would go searching for reasons why my baby *fill in the blank*. Myles is different than Levi. While I have known this in my head all along, I am really starting to grasp the concept that it's okay that he does things differently than Levi. He is his own person, and while I'm still trying to figure out who that person is, I love that little person so much.

I've also known pretty much from the start that I have had trouble connecting with him. I've thought that he's the reason we haven't connected like I thought we should have. Last night, after feeding him before his bedtime, he was extra snuggly. While rocking him, I just prayed. I realized that I needed forgiveness. I needed to ask for God's help to connect, and not ask for some doctor's help, or google's help, or a friend's help. While I'm not opposed to doctor's help, I wasn't asking God at all.  God really answered my prayer on the spot. Most of the time when I'd rock him he would be wiggling, pushing me away, or fussing until I'd put him in the bed. Last night he laid his sweet little head on my shoulder, cooed and smiled, and fell asleep. I stayed there with him for over 30 min just thanking God for him, and thinking how I'd go through it all again just to feel his sweet little head on my shoulder right now. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Myles Bryan Birth Story

I suppose after a longer-than-a-year break from this blog, I would give a little update on our lives now. My last blog I wrote was very therapeutic in helping me to accept the fact that I needed to trust God in his timing of when or if we would have another child. I think I had to write that in order to actually believe it, and what I wrote down is exactly what I was supposed to learn. I believe that wholeheartedly, because within a matter of weeks God answered our two year prayer and blessed me with my second pregnancy.

Although our prayers were answered, and we were overjoyed to learn that Levi would finally get to be a big brother, this pregnancy didn't pass by quite as easily as it did with Levi. We had multiple ultrasounds and "rechecks" because different things kept coming up as "normal, yet 'high normal.'" All of these ultrasounds seemed to come with a waiting game. They put different things in my head about what could be wrong with my child, so anytime an appointment came up, the worry set in. All eventually turned out normal each time, thankfully.

Fast-forward to delivery day: I woke up around 4 AM with the exact same "labor symptoms" that I had had when I went into labor with Levi. The contractions became a little more painful, but were still not regular enough for me to want to go to the hospital yet. I woke Curan up about 8 AM and let him know what was going on, but told him we didn't need to go yet. We spent the morning hanging out with Levi, making sure the bags were packed and the house was clean. We went to the coffee shop that we frequent. While at the coffee shop, I was having to breathe through the contractions, but they still weren't 5 minutes apart. We went back home and thought that we might either take a trip to Hobby Lobby (we were in search of a lamp ;) ) or head to visit a friend who had just had surgery (we did neither). While on the phone with our good friend, Rena, I finally decided it was probably time we head to the hospital, just to see what they would say (this was around 5 or 6pm). They Admitted me and checked me. I had had an appointment the day before, and they had told me that I was 3 almost 4 cm dilated, so they didn't seem to think it would be too long until D-day. Well I was still 3 almost 4 cm, so unless I progressed within two hours, they were going to send me on home because I wasn't 39 weeks yet. They came back 2 hours later and I was at a 6, so a baby was coming! They started me on my antibiotic (I was group b strep positive) and told me that they wanted me to get the full dose in before delivery, so they would come back to check in 4 hours. I got the epidural. All was well. They had to pump me a few more times with the epidural medicine, but overall my epidural went much smoother than the one I had with Levi (besides the couple of times my blood pressure dropped....I guess I was a little TOO relaxed lol). When they came back to check me after the 4 hours, I was at a 10 and they could feel his head. They set everything up for me to push and 6 minutes later, at 1:23 AM tiny Myles Bryan arrived :) 

He was breathing rapidly, they said because of how quickly he came out, so they laid him on my chest, but had to take him away to monitor him. I wasn't able to hold him again until around 8AM. He was perfect and a perfect addition to our family. 

We had so many friends and family help us out during that time, and for that we are so grateful. It was a beautiful day, one I will never forget. 

I plan on writing another post soon about all that God has taught me through this child, because he's been working on me since the moment we've wanted him. There's so much to say about that, that I believe it deserves its own post :)